Meritorious Achievement In The Crazy
Selection: Herman Cain
Runner-Up: Rick Perry
How crazy was the GOP primary field this year? Thank you for asking. Any award for crazy begins as Michele Bachmann’s to lose. She’s earned that right. Yet, she doesn’t even make my top two this year despite getting so worked up about gay people that an eight year-old had to set her straight. If you are getting publicly owned by eight year-olds, maybe being Leader of the Free World isn’t your thing. So, yes, Bachmann is all-time crazy, but this wasn’t her year. Herman Cain wins this one in a walk.
Herman Cain arrived on the scene out of nowhere sporting a great moustache, terrific hats, aterrifying smile, and a promise to join our individual slices into a delicious American pie. Unless you were Muslim, in which case he had his eye on you. What he didn’t have was the qualifications to be President, but why you want to get all elitist about everything, bro? In Cain’s definitive debate moment, he announced that “America has got to learn to take a joke,” and then proceeded to become that joke. In his short, spectacular rise and fall, we learned that every kiss began with Cain, and ended with multiple sexual harassment accusations. We watched him get agonizingly lost ciphering out what we were doing in Libya. Finally, we were witness to the most unintentionally weird campaign commercial ever. All the while, Cain promoted his 9-9-9 economic plan by endlessly repeating it like the Subway $5 dollar foot-long song, despite the bipartisan consensus it was awful for the economy. To watch Mitt Romney looking at Herman Cain during the debates, was to gaze upon the face of a man who had been given a great gift and knew it. In the end, Cain left in a blaze of crazy, blasting I Am Americaone final time and quoting the Pokemon song. Not gonna lie. I wept like John Boehner listening to Adele.
Rick Perry was a strong runner-up here. In retrospect, we should have anticipated Perry might be crazy. There were incredibly obvious clues. The watershed moment for Perry, of course, was being unable to count to three in public, something people seem to want in their leader and kindergarten-aged children. In the end, Perry was more sad than crazy, but there weretantalizing glimpses of insanity we will always treasure. Out of ideas, he was reduced to asking for votes because he was in your same church, a strategy that earned him most disliked YouTube video of the year.
Best Election Gaffe
Selection: Mitt Romney
Runner-Up: Tim Pawlenty
If you could take the essence of what is objectionable about you as a candidate, distill it into three words, and give it to your opponent in an anvil locket to tie around your neck, would you do it? Mitt Romney did! In August, the the Occupy movement was about to go nationwide, highlighting the struggles of the 99%. In the media, income inequality was finally making its way into the public consciousness. People were beginning to notice the pace of recovery from the recession was not equal: corporate profits were on the rise but personal income was not. This is precisely the issue President Obama and the Democrats wanted to run on in 2012, one which resonates deeply based on traditional party alignments. At exactly this moment, the normally unflappable Mitt Romney made an unforced error by defining himself exactly as his opponents wanted with these three words: “Corporations are people.” Democrats were raising millions to put these words in his mouth, and in an instant Romney inserted them himself. This was a tactical gaffe, not just a humorous one. The Obama 2012 campaign will be all about defining the opponent, and the likely nominee Romney did it for them in his own sure to be repeated words. Add to that, his own pictures and Obama 2012 has a head start on defining Romney as it wants voters to see him.
Tim Pawlenty earns runner-up here for an embarrassing case of premature ejectulation. He asked out the voters, got them all super-horny with racy campaign porn, then backed down
and dropped out.
Most Outrageous Fib Issued By A Politician
Selection: Newt Gingrich
Runner-Up: Jon Kyl
Newt Gingrich has a secret. It is the Master Lie which unlocks the doors to the foul and musty Chamber of Lies that is his campaign. The secret is: He isn’t really all that interested in being President! If he wins, he won’t mind. He will be insufferable, of course. I could never be certain he wouldn’t leave us for a younger democracy like Canada. Mainly, though, he just wants to shovel enough fuel in the fame-status-money engine to power a first-class ride for the rest of his life trip with Callista.
How did it come to this? At first, I thought I had fallen asleep in a Hot Tub Time Machine set for the 90’s. Billy Crystal was announced as Oscars host. Madonna was named to perform at Super Bowl halftime. And, Newt Gingrich was leading the GOP. If Newt Gingrich is the answer, the only valid question has to be “What was worse about the late 90’s than Creed’s ‘Higher?’” It couldn’t be real. But, it was, and this time around Newt’s lies were brand new and even bolder than before. For starters, everyone in a position to know laughed out loud at the idea Newt was a “historian” for Freddie Mac, instead of what he actually was: a greedy mindless Roomba, sucking up every possible dollar on the table and bumping around to look for more. He did the same with ethanol clients, health care clients, and … everyone. Think I’m being partisan? I am, but when it comes to Newt’s worthiness in the fib category, I would here like to quote conservative columnist Timothy Carney: ” When Newt Gingrich says he never lobbied, he’s not telling the truth.”
Once you understand the Gingrich Master Lie, everything else makes sense: campaign staff resignations, yelling at reporters during debate, unwillingness to attack opponents. Newt doesn’t care. He’s just banking fame.
I’ll leave the final word on Gingrich to the late Christopher Hitchens, who said:
“He has a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in his office. He has a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull in his skull”
Jon Kyl takes runner-up here in a glorious burst of utter disregard for the consequences of his behavior worthy of the honey badger for his “not intended to be a factual statement” statement. Like the crazy, nastyass honey badger, Jon Kyl just don’t care about the truth.
Outstanding Achievement In Corruption-Based Chutzpah
Selection: William Boyland, Jr.
Runner-Up: Rod Blagojevich
This is the sleeper award category of the year. I wasn’t very familiar with the William Boyland, Jr. story, but it’s now my favorite. You really need to take a few minutes and just let the facts of this case soak in to appreciate how perfectly “corruption-based chutzpah” encapsulates what Broyland did. Consider his case in a nutshell:
On November 10, Boyland was acquitted of federal charges involving $175,000 in bribes.
On December 1, Boyland was arrested and later indicted on charges of soliciting $250,000 in bribes from undercover FBI agents to pay for his earlier trial. The feds say they have Boyland on tape soliciting bribes from undercover FBI agents pretending to be businessmen.
Those are balls large enough to inseminate the planet. Those are balls big enough to create a worldwide teabag eclipse. Those are big ‘uns.
Rod Blagojevich is runner-up here, but it’s a distant second, more of a lifetime achievement award for finally being parachuted into prison.
Best Scandal — Sex and Generalized Carnality
Selection: Anthony Weiner
Runner-Up: Chris Lee
“I have the weirdest boner,” Donald Glover famously said on Community, but with all due respect that distinction goes to Anthony Weiner for 2012. You know the story. You don’t need to be told what happened. There aren’t any more Anthony Weiner jokes to make. They are all used up like our oil and ozone. I’m not going to throw one last dong joke on the faintly flickering fire of this scandal. His last name is Weiner. You get it. Still, he clearly wins. So, out of respect to you, I will classy up this selection with a few haikus directly from me to Anthony Weiner, and that will be that. Dear Anthony:
Life gives us lessons
“When online, keep your pants on”
Is one to follow
Everyone loves sex
You just got too weird with it
Also, stop lying
People you yell at
Will show no mercy to you
Come junk-tweeting time
Instead of Twitter
Surf to Talking Points Memo
Again, pants on please
Do not tweet your junk
Just make lame jokes and whatnot
Like @pourmecoffee
I prefer to think of the runner-up selection of Chris Lee not as an insult, but a compliment for staying buff in middle-age and getting the hell out of the public eye immediately when the scandal broke. Well done, my shirtless friend.
Best Scandal — Local Venue
Selection: Jack & Leslie Johnson
Runner-Up: Chris Myers
When I read about Jack and Leslie Johnson for the first time, I couldn’t help but think of Henry Hill’s last day as a wise guy in Goodfellas. Things got weird. When the FBI came to execute a search warrant at the Prince George’s County executive’s home, Jack Johnson was on the phone telling his wife to flush the $100,000 check down the toilet, and hide the money in her bra. “I have it in my bra,” she told him in perhaps the least sexy example of phone sex in recent memory. They found $79,600 “in unspecified bills” in her unmentionables. The FBI got all of this on tape (“Yes, flush that.”), which made for some difficult ‘splaining to do for both him andher.
There were a lot of excellent local candidate scandals, but when you’ve got cash, checks, bra, and toilets — all on tape, well that’s the stuff.
Chris Myers gets runner-up here for his Rentboy.com scandal. He resigned, saying it was “time to pass the baton, and allow others to take the reins,” which sounds to me like even more sexytime, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Best Scandal — General Interest
Selection: Jon Corzine
Runner-Up: Anthony Weiner
This was the toughest pick. It was difficult not to go with Anthony Weiner. But, ironically, Weiner’s scandal involved a dong but was not nearly as seminal as Corzine’s. Despite my partisan leanings, Corzine’s re-enactment of the failings that led to the 2008 financial crisis best represents what ails us. Here is a man supposedly fighting “income inequality and Wall Street pay” caught exemplifying it. Corzine ran MF Global into the ground, and lost 1.2 billion in customer funds. He was the kind of Democrat who was supposed to bring balance to Wall Street, not leave it in darkness.
Corzine pretended to be the financial industry’s designated driver, but was all the while throwing back shots and getting blackout drunk on debt. MF Global’s leverage was 40 to 1, “remarkably 2008-ish” as Joe Nocera of the times put it. To make matters worse, Corzine’s behavior allows conservative publications like Commentary to publish articles like, “Corzine: Poster Chilld For Liberal Hypocrisy.”
After the crash of 2008, instead of leading the charge to make meaningful changes in outrageous Wall Street practices, he led the charge right back to it, dragging the reputation of the Democratic party along with him.
Corzine is the winner because he embodies both the problem, and the difficulty in finding a solution. He paid lip service to reforming the excesses of power while enjoying and extending it for himself. It’s worth railing against these people even — maybe even especially — when they are of your own party, particularly when the issue is finally framed for serious action.
Runner-Up: Point of Personal Privilege
I am going OFF THE GRID for the runner-up to the last category, and choosing ANYONE WHO TOOK DONALD TRUMP SERIOUSLY. This was truly one of the low points of our shared media and political year. Donald Trump is a buffoonish clown who was shown the utmost respect by a parade of media and political leaders in a deeply shameful display of unseriousness.
@pourmecoffee